It’s Been a Very Bad Few Days

November 10, 2008 at 12:28 pm (Baby Stuff, Daily Life) (, , , )

I’ve cried every day for the last three, sometimes multiple times. I don’t know if I’m emotional, or if I’m finally realizing how big of a change is coming to my life, or what the deal is… but I just feel wrung out and useless.

Chris has never been big on “snuggling”; he gets too hot. Especially with my body temperature being like a million degrees all the time. So the other night we’re sitting together on the couch, my legs over his lap, and I started crying because OH MY GOD YOU DON’T WANT TO SNUGGLE WITH ME WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME IT’S CAUSE I’M FAT ISN’T IT?! Good grief, I’m tearing up just thinking about it. He looked like I had just kicked him across the face — a mix of what the fuck? and is my wife possessed? and how do I answer that? So he said, gently, “You can come here if you want honey, I’ll be fine. And you’re not fat, you’re pregnant and adorable.”

WELL WHY DON’T YOU COME TO ME THEN AND WHY AREN’T YOU SITTING HERE FEELING YOUR BABY MOVE? (I talk in caps when I’m upset) Of course by this time, I need a tissue because my nose is all snotty and disgusting. I don’t know how he puts up with me.

Our immigration shit is at a standstill. Detroit can’t approve me until Ontario tells them I paid a fee — that we paid back on October 27th, but apparently there just hasn’t been enough time for Ontario to phone/fax/email Detroit and be like “yo, bitch paid her fees”. There are ninety-seven days until Maia’s due date, and it takes ninety for OHIP to take effect. I feel like we are going to get fucked by the government. So I’ve been crying over that too.

Oh, and now Chris is talking about how we are digging ourselves into a lot of debt, so he doesn’t want to paint the nursery walls at all because it’ll be “a waste” since we’re only here for another two years at most. Okay. Let me try to figure out where to start with this one. First off, I never wanted white furniture in the nursery; I wanted everything to be in dark wood. When we bought a white dresser cause it was cute and on special, I figured we could paint it based on the theme of the room. Before we decided on the nursery colour palette, I even asked him, “How much longer are we going to be in this apartment? Is it really worth the time to paint the walls?” and he said it was all good, that we could definitely decorate. So when we had the colours picked out, I realized that some nice white furniture would go with it all very nicely, since they’d contrast with the walls. My mother-in-law ordered us a pretty white crib from Sears, and it’ll be here on the 20th. I’ve been browsing the Ikea catalog for white shelving & whatnot, figuring I could grab a tube of colour to use for accenting on the furniture, etc. Now he wants me to bring our daughter into a white walled nursery with white furniture? Okay, you know, maybe in the GRAND SCHEME of things this isn’t a big deal, but I’ve still been crying over it. She’ll be happy and loved no matter what the nursery looks like, but you know… I just feel like I am getting fucked over and over.

This all comes down to money. Money that we don’t have, because I can’t make it. Because immigration is fucked and I can’t legally work. I feel completely powerless, like I have no say in what’s going on in this house. Of course, we talked about that this morning (at which point he was saying “You should just be more assertive… I don’t want to be in control of you, this is a partnership”) and I got to crying all over again. But it’s hard on me that I can’t just take my cash and go to a maternity store or a baby store; I’m so excited about us having a baby and it would be nice to have some physical way to manifest that excitement. I’m pissed that I can’t get a haircut, so I get angry anytime I look at myself; I’m pissed that I have one decent pair of shoes; I’m pissed that I don’t have a bookshelf full of baby books waiting for Maia.

It’s just been a very bad few days. I’m hoping I stop feeling like this soon, but I don’t know how to solve things. I don’t know whether I should bend on the nursery thing or insist on us spending money that we really shouldn’t be. I’m tired of compromising.

Oh, and my father-in-law sent me pictures of our wedding that I’d lost, and I look like shit in every single one of them. Yeah, I cried over that too.

I’m going to make some chili.

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6 Comments

  1. Paula said,

    I don’t know if it makes you feel better, but so many of us right now are feeling that financial crunch. I know what you mean about not getting your hair cut. It’s such a small thing but when you can’t do it, or feel guilty about doing it, it sucks and it affects how you feel about yourself. Those pregancy hormones can really throw you for a loop too. I remember I cried over a frozen lasagna…. Feel better soon!!

  2. Ms. Core said,

    Ooof! Breathe deep and try to regain perspective (and yes I know first-hand that pregnancy hormones make those two things much more difficult but believe me you are much stronger than you think).

    Money is just that and not worth all the stress. Your baby is healthy and strong and so are you and Chris. You are young and have a lot time to make money yet, it’s not worth freaking out about it now (I assume you are not going to starve or get thrown out on the street). I have minor panic attacks when I think about my (small) graduate stipend coming to an end in Dec and hubby making a negative salary (i.e. in medical school) while we live in a very pricey city. I have to force myself to breathe deep and remember that in the long run we will be fine financially we just have to suck it up for now. It was my decision to stay home until next summer when I COULD look for a job. Think about how you GET to be at home while she gestates and really experience pregnancy without the serious stress of a job. I certainly prefer typing in my pajamas on the couch to having to make it out to work everyday (although I know that not having a choice is part of what makes it frustrating for you).

    Some practical things about the nursery..can you exchange the crib- try caling Sears? If not, how about painting it? I am sure MIL will understand, no? Also, if you are going to do the painting then why does he care what color the room is (get non-toxic paint though for you and your baby’s sake) it really doesn’t take that long. Being joyful everyday you look at it is a small price to pay for a few gallons of paint and a few lost days spent painting.

    Also, do you have Craigslist in Ontario? Try that for anything baby related, it is a gold mine here, esp for Ikea furniture and baby stuff. Also, how about putting some of the nursery items on your registry? It might delay you getting them but will save you money.

    I hope this helps…

  3. Cara said,

    All women go through some very emotional periods during pregnancy. Not to minimize what you’re going through, and you probably don’t want to hear this, but know that the hormones are not helping the situation. I agree with Ms. Core, put everything you can think of on your registry! Most of the stuff you will not need right away and if you’re anything like most people, the baby won’t even be sleeping in the nursery for the first weeks or months (ours slept in a bassinet next to us for four months) so don’t feel a lot of pressure to have the room done for her birth. My daughter’s room wasn’t really done until she was 3 months old.

    And tell Chris to stick it, and paint the nursery walls. Take those pictures you got back or find the $20 somewhere and get a gallon of paint. It is a fairly inexpensive way to makeover the whole room and will be a whole lot easier than painting the furniture.

  4. Naomi said,

    *hugggggggggggggggg*

    Nothing helpful to add 😦

  5. HumpsNBump said,

    You have some great comments on this post that I agree with. Pregnancy is an emotional time. While I’m about 10 weeks behind you, I can’t count the occassions when I broke down in balled my eyes out. Hang in there!

  6. Ms. Myg said,

    Oh dear, I know that hormone rampage of emotions of which you speak – all too well! I am about to lose my job and health insurance and I only have one pair of shoes and can’t get a haircut either. NOW I’M CRYING! hahahaha Ain’t pregnancy grand?

    Tell your husband to paint the damned nursery or else…or else…or else you’ll keep crying! It’ll be cheap – I mean, how much is a can of paint? Probably less than a damned haircut!

    God, maybe I should keep my pregnant mouth shut.

    I’m just trying to say – I think I know what you mean.

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