Proof is in the Pants

November 26, 2008 at 8:22 am (Baby Stuff) (, , )

Let’s face it: ever since the bump began to appear, I’ve been unfriendly towards any pants that weren’t made of flannel and clearly destined never to be seen outside of my home. Said pants have been equally hostile towards me. Oh sure, the “use an elastic hairband” trick stretched the life of my favourite jeans for a little while, followed by the “just leave everything undone and wear a long tube top to hide it” trick, but today I finally was forced to do the unthinkable: pull the BELLY POUCH pants out of my maternity clothing box.

The maternity clothing box in question is tucked into the far back corner of my closet where I do not have to ponder its existence. My cute maternity clothing has usurped the space in my dresser that was once reserved for stuff I shouldn’t have been wearing because it was too small anyhow. But the maternity box? It’s full of things that were (generously) donated to me by a friend in Vancouver and her friend who recently had a baby, and if it were summer, they’d be wonderful things. Or if I had a job where I needed to get dressed up. But since it’s winter and I’m unemployed, most of the items in there are not getting much love.

And then there are the belly pouch pants. These things are an affront to all concepts of fashion that have existed post, oh, Fresh Prince of Bel-Air years. Let’s talk a light, faded rocky blue. Let’s talk TAPERED LEGS. Tapered legs? WTF? I haven’t worn those in a long time, and I was reminded of why when I put these pants on: they’re horrible for my shape, and it feels like I have fucking shackles around my ankles. SHACKLES, people. Like it’s not bad enough I’m carrying a ball for a belly, now I get to feel chained to my ankles.

Now, speaking positively, the belly pouch itself? Not actually such a bad idea. I was vaguely impressed that it didn’t feel totally constricting, just incredibly … soccer mom. Also, when Chris came home and tried to put his COLD HANDS up my shirt and on my belly like he does (I guess he likes to make me squirm), the pouch protected me. That was nice.

A package from my mom waited at the post office, so I sulkily followed Chris out to the car, despairing over the fact that I could see the tongues of my sneakers as the Cuffs of Death strangled my ankles. I prayed no one would see me. I refused to get out of the car and made him go in to pick up the package. And you know what the customs label on the package said? “CONTENTS: 1 BLOUSE 1 JEANS”

SWEET BABY JEBUS, MY MOMMY IS A LIFE SAVER. And not the fruity round type, but the genuine “thank you for erasing all my despair and giving me a reason to live again” type. Although I like both. When I took these jeans out of the box, I told Chris, “My mommy loves me more than anyone in the world,” and he didn’t argue, because these jeans are gorgeous, fashionable, straight-legged, DARK WASHED, with a long “magic belly band” at the top and not a belly pouch.

I tried them and the blouse on. Chris promptly grabbed my butt and told me I looked goooOOOoood, and I sure as heck felt better about maternity clothing in general. I made him tell me like fourteen times how wonderful and beautiful his cute, curvy, pregnant wife is. Then, for good measure, when I tucked him into bed I asked, “Wasn’t that package from my mother wonderful?” and he confirmed that yes, indeed, it was.

Now I have pants I can actually wear and be happy in!


  1. Gala said,

    I don’t think I have ever been more pleased with a gift I have given! I am so glad that the jeans worked out, I was sweating it. I am sure Chris was thanking God/Allah, etc. for the fact that this little package made his wife happy.

  2. Tatiana said,

    This package totally made up for that babydoll nightgown you got me one Christmas… the one that matched Katie’s? I don’t know why it made me angry and crying, and I’d totally love it now, but it did, and now it’s forgiven. Finally. 15 years later!

  3. Ms. Myg said,

    It is so totally all about the pants. I bought one expensive pair of kickass maternity jeans when I was 12 weeks (I was already in need because of the twins) and I LIVED in them until last week when I went into the hospital. And I actually get sad that I have nowhere to go so I can wear them now!

  4. Cristin said,

    I bought several pair of Old Navy maternity jeans, supposed to be worn below the belly… apparently I don’t have the right ass for them because my CRACK was always hanging out of them… bring on the unflattering and super comfy belly pouch!! I so didn’t care how awful I looked…

  5. Tatiana said,

    I try not to care, but with as completely bitchy as I’ve been lately… the early 90s pants were just too much for my delicate psyche to bear šŸ˜€

  6. Dana said,

    Yeah for you! I just found out I am pg with #2 (4 years apart) and everyone told me I wouldn’t want to go NEAR my old clothes. I pishposhed them all…and pulled out my stuff (b/c my pants magically STOPPED fitting literally overnight). They were right.

    So I feel your pain. Seriously, I do. But luckily I had a friend that owned a hip maternity store – who just had a baby – so I am slilghtly more stylish than before.

    Good luck and congrats on the new stuff!

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