FUCK YOU CHIHUAHUAS.
I love you two so much that it almost hurts my brain, but you have no appreciation for me whatsoever. Don’t you realize I have more qualities than “rubs my belly”, “gives me food”, “opens door to let me outside”? I am a human being, I have many other capabilities and charms. For example, I still have my reproductive organs, which is more than I can say for one of you.
Like, let’s be real. I’ve seen you both eat puke and your own shit (at least, that’s what I’m assuming it was, because thinking of you eating another dog’s shit is somehow even more gross). I’ve seen the shreds of Kleenex strewn across my living room carpet in the morning because you decided you wanted to eat the boogers that used to be contained in them. I’ve come home from shopping only to find you guiltily eating the crotch of my underwear that you pulled through the holes of the laundry basket because I forgot to close the bedroom door. You lick each other’s ears and eyes and asses. YOU TWO ARE FUCKING DISGUSTING LITTLE CREATURES.
When I take you outside, one of you invariably barks and bounces, stiff-legged, through the snow and onto a neighbour’s patio. The other follows. Then I have to shoo you off her patio, and let me tell you, if you had any idea how huge, unbalanced, and awkward it is to try and move fast enough to control two chihuahuas that are like seven inches off the ground and I can’t even see over my stomach half the fucking time, you might be a little more respectful and stay off that bitch’s patio. Honestly, that’s all I ask. Romp anywhere else. Stay off people’s patios. I was surprised that, after she banged on her window when I was trying to shoo you off it at 12:30am, you didn’t bark at her. At least that’s a positive. You just got even more excited and ran in even more circles.
Oh, and let’s not even talk about how you get so interested in sniffing pee or romping through the snow that you end up ten yards away from me in drifts so deep that all I can see are the tips of your ears, then decide you’re too damned cold to continue moving, so you stand there whining pathetically while trying to stand on as few paws as possible. Guess who gets to break a path through the snow to rescue you because it breaks her heart to see you upset? That’s right, me.
THEN YOU SHIT ON MY FLOOR WHEN I BRING YOU BACK INSIDE.
Yeah, fuck you chihuahuas. You’ve got the good life and you don’t even appreciate it.
Fuck You Fridays are the brainchild of Cristin over at Tiptoeing Through The Tulips. Drop by and see what’s gotten under her skin this week!