Daddy issues

April 10, 2009 at 7:34 am (Daily Life) ()

I’ve written about my father before, but here we go again.

A few days after Maia’s birth, a bouquet of flowers arrived at the door.  Chris accepted them and read the card — we had no idea who they could be from, since we had seen everyone already, and so I thought maybe they were from him and he was trying to play dumb like “Oh, no, I dunno who sent those.”

His face went blank, and he handed the card to my mother.  I was practically bouncing out of my seat: “Who’s it from?”  Her lips pursed.  She glanced at Chris, then at me, then back at Chris… and handed me the card:

“Congratulations on the delivery of your new baby girl.  We’re very proud of you, your Dad loves and misses you very much.  Love, Dad & Stepmom”

What the fuck?

I don’t know how to respond.  My initial thought was just to send him a thank you card with a picture of Maia.  And since then I’ve gone back and forth on whether I should even do that.  There are a lot of reasons why I don’t want him in my life, not the least of which is that I don’t want him to feel he has any right to contact my siblings, but then I think… this is my baby’s grandpa.  And I remember that he has had two kids with his new wife — they’re my blood, regardless of how I feel about her.  Shouldn’t I know them?

I don’t feel like I can ever forgive him.  So is it even worth my time to try?  Sigh.  Two months later and I’m still confused.


  1. Cara said,

    I don’t have any answers for you. I could write and write and write about how fucked up my relationship is with my dad. At least yours sent you flowers. My daughter is 18 months and he has never come to see her/us and didn’t call or write or anything until she was 6 weeks old when he sent a half ass package. Luckily, I have a stepdad who is amazing. All I think about is how wonderful a relationship my daughter is going to have with her dad. She will never know the heartbreak.

  2. Beck said,

    I had one comment before I went and read your other post about your father and now I don’t know quite what to say.
    I do know that as the child of a person who was estranged from his own father that not having that relationship in my life – that having a living grandfather who I didn’t know – felt terrible. And I wish that for my sake and the sake of my siblings, that my father had worked harder on having some sort of civil relationship with his father, because not having that knowledge of so much of ourselves has been very hard. BUT. Your father does sound like a terrible, hurtful person, and I don’t know if it would be worth re-establishing contact with him.

  3. existere said,

    I didn’t know you had father issues – I do too. Which makes me a good empahtiser but a bad advice giver. I’m going to have to go read your other post..

  4. Andi said,

    I can’t imagine what this feels like as I have not gone through anything similar with my father. I have, however, been through terrible, hurtful relationships that continue to cause hurt and pain until one of us decided to cave. My daughter’s grandfather is dying of cancer and my DBF has a difficult relationship with him. For her sake (and, for his mother’s sake), we’re putting those differences aside so that she will know him. She knows nothing of the relationship between he and his son – and she doesn’t need to. But she needs to know her history and the people who wove the fabric of her being.

    Forgiveness means more than ‘acceptance’ or ‘tolerance.’ It certainly doesn’t require forgetting. True forgiveness will give you the closure and permission to move forward that you need, releasing the guilt and questions of how things ‘might have been’ for Maia. I always say ‘take the high road’ even if it’s the harder path – you will be proud of that decision no matter how it turns out – and you’ll be able to tell your daughter that you truly made every effort for her sake. Leave yourself and your own feelings out of it, if you need to, and allow Maia to understand him in her own way.

    Just my two cents. I’m feeling nostalgic today I think. And kind. LOL.

  5. Tatiana said,

    I think I’ll send him one of my shower invite cards but not write the invite message inside, just put a picture of Maia & say thank you for the flowers. That puts the ball in his court again. We’ll never be bffs, but maybe we can exchange cards at the holidays.

    It makes me sad to read that so many others have daddy issues too 😦 wtf is with them?

  6. Andi said,

    Good step, girl. It doesn’t have to be more than that – but you’ll feel better if you at least extend a sort-of kind-of olive branch of sorts 🙂

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